I’m going to be clear on a few points before I get started.
1) This isn’t a debate on region. This is nearly some random thoughts thrown out that have been churning in my head.
2) If you’re easily offended, I would strongly leave now.
3) This may not make much sense and will be disjointed. I’ve been sitting here, watching tv, while drinking a bottle of wine while watching my first episode of Glee, “Grilled Cheesus.” Yes, I know, I’m the worst gay ever for never watching this show. I shall go to confession to have my soul cleansed for such blasphemy later.
Now that we have the disclaimers out of the way.
While watching the episode of Glee it struck me that almost every gay man that I know of felt the same way as the gay kid in regards to religion. There’s only a small handful of us gays that haven’t turned their backs on God (at least in this region and my observations on the internet, your viewpoints may vary).
As someone that was raised in the conservative Christian household, this should upset me greatly. However I find myself in the same boat as the other gays and I’m unsure as to how I feel about this. How can you embrace a religion that has seemed to have tossed us aside like an unattractive baby? I may be a masochist but even I have my limits. Who wants to go to church and pay lip service to a deity that will toss you into the fiery pit as soon as look at you? Of course, this is also just some people’s interpretation. Maybe they’re wrong.? Maybe we’re wrong? Maybe none of us is right?
I have a fairly scientific mind. I want to be able to look at, examine, touch, analyze something and come up to a conclusion. However I find religion and faith a perplexing subject. I hear people say “look at the trees, how the universe works” and I just find myself shrugging my shoulders. Science can explain most of that, even if we can’t now due to our lack of knowledge.
I keep thinking back to Star Trek (pick a particular show) where they meet up with a less-advanced society where they believe the Star Trek crew are gods/magicians and I can’t help but think that maybe this is the same thing as our various deities. Maybe the world can be explained by science and mathematical algorithms? Maybe God/whoever works through science to perform these and they just aren’t “poofed” into existence?
I’m sure we’ll never know in my lifetime, so what do I do? Do I believe out of fear of being tossed into the pits of hell or will it even matter because I’m gay so it’s an express one-way ticket into Satan’s harem?
I remember when I asked Jesus to be my savior. I was fairly young and I should have been sleeping. However I prayed and asked for salvation. And I waited. I was waiting for some “experience.” A ray from the heavens to shine on my face, a tingling in my foot, slap across the face, any type of emotion…but I felt nothing. Like I could have been just laying there in bed and thinking about paint drying and I would have felt the same thing.
That bothered me. Immensely. I heard people speak of being saved, experiencing this weight being lifted, everything was going to be OK, that they could never have made it through this traumatic experience without having God to turn to. And here I was, unmoved, this blasphemous queer. Did I do it wrong? Did I forget to do 3 circular spins around while saying the proper phrase? Questions, questions, questions.
The only time I feel “close to God” is through song. I guess this is what reminded me of this topic while watching Glee, especially with it being about religion. I heard that heavier black girl sing and I just closed my eyes and just let it flow through me. There are few people’s voice that can do that to me. It literally gets me high, where I can’t even keep my eyes open, and I feel the energy penetrate me and just soothe my soul. It’s not often that music brings me to shamefully cry on the couch.
It’s not just religious music that does this. I’ve even had rock music do it to me. Could this be my God, my salvation? Maybe we find our own God our own way? Last Easter my mom asked me to come to their church for service. I’m guessing she asked me because she’s concerned for my soul, as I don’t attend church. She was surprised that I actually showed up. And again, I sat there, bored, feeling nothing, only feeling a small twitter during one or two songs.
I wish I could be like them. Go to church every Sunday, singing praises to a God I KNOW exists, confident that, no matter what, I’ll be going to Heaven, sing with the angels, and dance on the streets of gold.
But I can’t. I can’t say for certain on anything. And that scares the hell out of me.