On Twitter I was crying because I’ve been a chaste nun the past week due to Mike being gone since Sunday for work. I got several chuckles out of it and so it inspired me to write on my viewpoints on sex and relationships.
I’ll be perfectly honest. I find monogamy to be very unnatural. I’m not sure if it’s “a guy thing” or if it’s “a whore thing,” but it’s a thing all the same. I’ve always been able to separate “making love” and “having wild out-of-control sex” and never got the big deal of staying faithful to one person.
Now, let me be very clear at this point. I don’t condone cheating on your partner behind their back. If you take a vow of monogamy with them, you need to respect it or leave them. You can’t have a loving relationship if you need to constantly lie to your partner. So put it back in your pants or man/woman up.
I’m not sure what it is. Some people blame it on genetics, some blame it on men being pigs, and either could be true, I’m not qualified to debate such things. However most men just tend to think with their penis, plain and simple. We see something sexually attractive and we want to bend it over and have our way with it. Granted, some women think with their penises and some men don’t have this drive, but we’re talking generalizations right now. Men are sexual beings that can’t seem to keep it in their pants.
I started practicing monogamy shortly after meeting Mike. It had nothing to do with being “reformed” or “him being the one and only.” It had to do with the fact that my sexual drive could have killed him.
We (and by we, I mean that I convinced Mike) decided to “have relations” with another guy while we were traveling. I won’t go into the details, as this isn’t a smut novel, but the guy convinced us to not use a condom. Side note, if I ever, ever hear of anyone of you guys not using one while with someone you don’t know, I’ll personally drive over there and kick your ass.
Soon afterwards Mike got pretty sick. Again, I won’t go into the details as it’s not really relevant to the story. Mike’s doctor told him, prior to running tests, that he was sure that Mike was HIV+. So, as Mike was waiting for the test results back, Mike thought he was dieing. And I was the one with the smoking gun.
Why do I practice monogamy even when I don’t necessarily believe in it? Because I thought I killed the man I loved to fulfill that “itch.” It’s funny, looking back on it now, that I wasn’t thinking of myself at that time. I could have very well been infected along with him. I just remember standing next to our bed with Mike laying on the bed, telling me all this. The realization of the possibility of me murdering my partner slowly sinking into my brain. The unadulterated horror when it came to me that “I killed him.” I might as well of taken a gun, put it to his head, and shot him. It would have been more humane I believe.
It was a very, very strained time in our relationship. The tests came back negative, everything was OK, at least physically. Psychologically it took Mike several months to heal, and all of this was due to my reckless behavior. I nearly killed him and it was all my fault.
So, yes, I packed my whorish ways aside in the name of my sanity and his wellbeing. I do not regret my decision though. I’m willing to give up that part of me to stay in Mike’s life. I want him to live a full, healthy, and happy life and hopefully he continues to allow me to be with him for many more years to come.